Here Lies Dedication-Do Not Rest In Peace

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I usually try to abstain from posting too many personal things about myself, not because I’m worried there are any Jeffrey Dahmer’s or Ted Bundy’s lurking on WordPress, but because I’m worried that any advice or input from others could influence me enough to make a radical decision, one that isn’t right. But I’m being paraniod, per usual. 

To cut to the point, to the heart of the matter-my dedication has died an untimely death. Let me illustrate how dedication in every aspect of my life has basically vanished, leaving me feeling adrift and meaningless. 

  1. ACADEMICS 

I’m an AP/ Honors student, so yes, I’ve got a slightly above average intelligence. Whoop-dee-doo. I used to love the act of learning, and the straight A’s were an added benefit. I used to read anatomy books for fun. I still hated math, but come on. That subject is Satan. I still got an A in it though, ironically. I guess i got so used to everything coming easily to me that when the time came to step it up-and by a lot, I was ill-prepared. Sure, I’m still thrilled when I do well on a test or get the grade I want in a class, but it’s overshadowed by the fear that I won’t be able to keep it, or worse, I won’t even try. Any and all motivation to excel academically is pretty much again. I know part of it comes from the fact that a lot of my friends are good students, but average. One is busy with sports, one’s busy with art and religion, one’s busy with singing…the point is they have other passions and things to pursue. I have my writing, my stories, but even though’s I’ve lost passion for. Now they just live in my head, only occasionally do the words appear. I know the things I want, a great university, I career that I love that’ll leave me financially prosperous, to travel the world. Each of them wants something different. And lately, I’ve been letting their dreams disrupt the pursuit of my own. 

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Pretty sure ‘acception’ isn’t a word, but whatever

 

       2. RELIGION

Ever since the time my dedication decided to begin a slow and steady decline, my faith has been impacted. The solace I used to take, my strong belief that through the darkness there will always be light I could turn to…it’s been dimmed. My connection with God has been severed by my own hand. It’s foremost on my list of things to fix. Unfortunately, there’s a huge obstacle that I can’t seem to overcome:me and my stupid decisions. 

       3. PERSONAL LIFESTYLE

AKA my weight. For my birthday, I was given a 2 year membership to 24 Hour Fitness- no, it’s not offensive, it’s something I wanted. But I can’t seem to utilize it. And of course, lack of dedication is a problem. My weight nags at me every single day, especially because I’m going on a trip where people haven’t seen me in years. I don’t want to see the surprise on their faces from how much my body has changed. BUT…it’s not only a lack of dedication that’s hindering me here. The gym terrifies me. There are creepy old guys that outright stare at you, even though I’m usually wearing sweats and a shirt, people with the perfect bodies, and trainers hovering over your shoulder every ten seconds. There’s so much judging at the gym, it’s almost like a high school locker room. I want to go, but the anxiety is definitely fueling the little devil on my shoulder.

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      4. Me

Originality. That’s what distinguished gold from silver, a ram from sheep. Everything that makes me me is seeping from between my fingers. My head is filled with music, slang, hashtags, shows…meaningless things. I don’t spend time with my family, or bother cleaning, or trying to learn something new. My passion has been replaced by an all-around numbness. I don’t read any interesting or out there books any more. My determination, my will, was my core. It was the spine that kept me standing. And now without it? I’m all over the place, and I don’t know how I’m going to get myself together. And the amount of shows that I watch! It’s ridiculous! I’ll spend hours watching episode after episode until my head is numb and my eyes sting

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Conclusions:

I’m an all or nothing kind of girl. If I have dedication for even one of the things I listed, I’d have it for all of them. And I know lots of people just say that we should try harder. That’s good and everything, but why would try when you can’t remember what you’re fighting for? Or why? It’s like a hazy memory, and you can’t imagine giving up the ignorance you live in now. 

But I’m going to try, I really am. I’m master of my own future. I’m going to get myself back. It might take a while, and it will be hard. But, in the spirit of Jordan Sparks….

Take it one step at a time. 

Quick Rage Reliever

I plan on posting a very long entry on this subject.  The subject of how hatred, fear, and discrimination has shaped America into something ugly. Today I happened to go on Yahoo news and was absolutely disgusted and horrified to find what some people had commented on about a post talking about the Nypd spying on Muslims. The things that people said have put me in a bad mood all day. Things like “Muslims should be shot on the spot” and how they “deserved it” and they should all just go back to theit country. Call me sheltered, but I had no idea it had gotten this bad in terms of the Muslim communities relations with America. Whether or not you agree with the faith, its downright inhumane and terrible to degrade them as people because of what they believe. Thats practically regressing this country to its worst eras. Its just horrible, and I can’t stand it. More later.

Mean Girls-Inspiring Song

I ran across this song by accident, and I think it’s amazing. This happens to so many girls, and people make fun of them if they’re cutters, suicidal, ‘goth’, downers. Nobody ever really questions why, or wonders if they might have a part in it. Please listen and spread this song, it’s very touching and might help someone.

High School Smackdown: The Nerd vs. The Stoner

THE STONERS:

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THE PARTY-HARDY

 

 

 

 

 THE NERDS:

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Two vastly different subspecies in every high school. I wouldn’t say my school has ‘cliques’ per se…more like loosely organized groups. I want to address the nerds and the stoners today (although knowing me, I might go off on a tangent). This is not a stereotype. I’m perfectly aware not all nerds or all stoners fall in these categories. 

The Nerds:

We are the ones who second guess all our decisions, try to hold ourselves to ideological principles, romanticize relationships. and believe the world is sunny and rosy. Life for us is relatively difficult, since grades are our Mekkah and AP testings Dante’s Inferno. We obey our parents, and we have good, clean fun. 

At least, on the outside. 

It would astonish most of the world to discover that the biggest assholes are usually nerds, and the biggest vluts (virgin sluts) are usually studious girls. The guys are intellectual snobs, and the girls are practically vampires: Disney princesses during the day, and restless succubi at night. 

We try to fit our lives around studying, and what most people don’t realize is that because we’re so constrained, breaking us loose is like releasing the Kraken. We live on control, keeping every little thing under our hands. 

Whatever you do, don’t screw with a nerd when it comes to their grades. Blood will be shed. Copiously. 

 

 

The Stoner: 

This interesting species is fascinating to observe. They’re carefree, passionate, and the true embodiment of a teenager. I don’t necessarily mean ‘Stoner’ as in those that take drugs, although a lot of this sect do. This is just anyone who’s slotted as an ‘underachiever’ and is more adept and partying than multiplying. For instance, this guy I know Berto, is suave and always the one leading the charge to break rules. Leaves campus to drive with a friend (both of which aren’t allowed) to go get donuts. Doesn’t do his homework, undoubtedly has dabbled in drugs, and doesn’t seem to have a shy bone in his body. I admire all of these qualities, because personally, I’m shy, introverted, awkward, and prone to blushing when speaking to attractive males. What would it be like, to fear nothing? To live life to it’s fullest? To look back and have regrets and accomplishments besides whether or not I failed a quiz? 

On one hand, the Stoners don’t have a plan, and they commit themselves to a limited future with their laziness. On the other hand, most of them learn to rely on themselves in life. Us nerds are comfortable, usually middle class, and the most we do without parental guidance are our volunteering activities. Another guy I know, Kale, is planning on attending trade school, has a girlfriend (ADORABLE couple, so hippie-like), doesn’t do jack at school, and is outspoken and admired. 

You tell me, who does it seem will succeed in the real world? Nerds may clutch their stellar academic reputation like a life jacket to keep from drowning, but stoners are practically doing the butterfly and backstroke. 

 

For their future career, I think the prize goes to:

And the winners at living life:

Who do you think is the real winner?

 

The Scythe of Finals Awaits

callowayvera:

Check out my new blog, For Those Who Don’t Know Why

Originally posted on Teens Speak:

Hey, guys. 

It’s the first post in “For Those Who Don’t Know Why”, and I’m keeping it relevant to what’s probably keeping many, many teenagers up late at night. 

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Finals. 

Just the name makes a shiver crawl through you, doesn’t it? It certainly gives me a chill. My hinging classes are math and biology. If I screw up math, I get a C. If I screw up Biology, I’ll remain at a B. See, that’s not exactly what scares me, though. 

It’s the thought of my Dad’s face when he sees it. He’ll be disappointed, and that’s the last thing I want. 

So many of us try so hard to please our parents. We want them to be proud of us, to be able to brag to their friends that, “Oh, Riley got the highest score in her AP Lit class,” or “Yes, Jenn has a 4.0 G.P.A…

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