The Darkness of Self- Loathing

Sometimes all it takes is a small trigger to remind us of something we’d rather forget. To make us feel a gut- wrenching sense of sadness and regret. 

A whisper, a teasing comment, a gesture, an object. We’re transported back to times of heart ache, remorse, and darkness. Sitting in a darkened room with no light, elbows braced on the desk, tears silently falling. You wipe them away, straighten up, and leave. You make a joke to the first person that you see. They laugh, and continue in their path. Your heart breaks a little that they couldn’t tell. They couldn’t understand. 

You halfheartedly set about your day. Everything seems empty, without meaning or reason. The memory of a brighter day, a better you, is haunting. You pick up a book, blast the music, flip on the TV….anything to take you out of your head. Because you’re afraid of what you’ll find. It’s not disappointing someone else that’s the problem. It’s disappointing yourself and all you could be that breaks your heart. 

You go to bed that night certain it’ll never happen again. You have a plan to change things. But it happens again. Like you knew it would. A small part of you knows it’ll happen again. No matter the determination, the will, a small part of you is always set up for failure. 

Don’t give up. You won’t be fighting for a lifetime, believe me. It’s minute by minute, day by day. Just get through today. Don’t worry about tomorrow yet. 

Leave the door unlocked. Allow the person you passed by, the one you love, to enter. Let them see you so that they can finally understand. 

Life passes sluggishly around you. Live. Throw away your books, your phone, your remote, your junk food. Laugh, dance, study, talk, hope. Our lives on this earth are only one thousandth of a second long. You can immortalize yourself. Plant a tree and create life. Go volunteer at a homeless shelter. Take up a kickboxing class. 

You have a duty to yourself. Everyday will be your own personal rehab, but it doesn’t have to be your own personal hell. Right now, life is bleeding colors around you, hurting your eyes. Don’t turn away. See each individual color. Stop and really look. 

Ignorance is bliss. But it’s too late. You’ve already been thrust by the cold hand of fate into life, and for a while, you lived. Losing that is like losing a limb, or you’re heart. 

Live again. Second by second, minute by minute, day by day. Sometime, you might just look around and realize that you’re happy again. 

And for the first time in a long time, you’ll feel at peace. 

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