Late Night Coffee Musings #3

I’m leaving for college in the fall.

God, it doesn’t even sound real. I’m leaving for college. I am departing for ‘life after high school’. The bird is leaving the nest. How am I supposed to leave? I can’t even do my own fucking laundry, let alone take care of myself when I’m sick or lonely.

I wanna take the world by storm. I wanna find what I’m good at and be excellent. I have ambition.It’s not pointed in any specific direction at the moment, but it’s there, and it’s powerful. But is it worth missing my brother’s first year of high school? Of making sure my little sister still laughs at all our jokes and doesn’t say the word ‘totes’? Or my best friend, my sister who’s going to be filling her college applications and going through the rollercoaster I went through.

(As I’m writing this, my youngest sister is trying to replicate Joey from Friend’s “How YOU doing,” and failing spectacularly.)

Everyone asks themselves what the point is of waking up every morning. Why should we get up, why should we try? I love my parents, but I want to help answer those questions for my siblings when they come up. I want my Mom to tell me good morning cheerfully, even when I look like an angry raccoon with bedhead.

It’s not like I’m vanishing for the next 4 years. I’m going to come home as often as I can. But I’m also not stupid, and I know that once I move out, things are never gonna be quite the same. And I need to learn how to let go so I can build something new, something potentially better.

I’m so excited for college, but I’m so terrified of letting go.

And God, I’m so scared I’m going to mess up. I’ve never really felt true fear in my life. I’ve been scared, sure, when we couldn’t locate my brother or my little sister fell asleep under the bed for hours and we couldn’t find her. But I’ve never been bone-chillingly terrified. Terrified that I will go against everything I believe in, against everything I was raised to protect myself against. Terrified that I’ll be so swept up in the moment, I’ll forget that that ‘s all it is. A moment. Just a blink in time that could cast a shadow on the rest of my life. I’m young and impulsive and about to go to move out for college at a good school that’s also a party school. If I start down the wrong path, I don’t know if I’ll be strong enough to pull myself off it. And if by some miracle I am, I don’t even know who I’ll be.

But that’s why we get up in the morning, I guess. To fight through another day, through another make more moments and more memories. To fight, so that one day you wake up, look in the mirror, and know you’re strong enough. You can win the fight with yourself, the urge to let what you want be what you can’t live without, to lose sight of what’s important.

It’s so, so easy to make the wrong choice. And that’s what I’m afraid of.

That my wrong choice has already begun.

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Late Night Coffee Musings #2

I’ve always thought it was weird that people could just fall out of love. That they could share their heart and soul with someone, connect with them, and let them go. Doesn’t it hurt? Doesn’t it feel like a small piece of you leaves with them? I mean, I get it. He’s not the One. He’s not right.

But how do they do it?

Maybe it’s because I’ve never been in love. To be quite honest, I’m terrified of ever falling in love. At least, not any time soon. I’ve barely got a grasp on my sanity-adding the highs and lows of falling for someone would fuck me up in a major way.

I’ve had plenty of crushes though. When I scroll through my phone and see their name, it’s like a movie-reel plays behind my eyes. I’m blushing and giggling (later I want to slap myself), pillow talk at sleepovers with my best friends, the excitement and anticipation, standing in front of my closet and thinking, “I wonder what’ll happen today.” It’s a rush, a rollercoaster that never goes down.

But those are crushes.

I write books, and I’ve been told I simulate love almost flawlessly. The nerves, the anticipation, the butterflies-turned-elephants in the tummy. But my fatal flaw- I can’t quite capture heartbreak. I’ve never felt it. My heart’s bruised, but not from love. So how do I write about something I can hardly imagine?

This leads me to the whole point of this ramble. The intimacy, the romance, the connection-that I can understand. What I can’t is how you move on after you lose it. How you pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and think, “Just another day’s work. There are plenty of fish in the sea.” 

Maybe it’s because I’m still a silly, romantic teenager. Despite the sad reality of life that’s revealed to every day I get older, I still wholeheartedly believe in happy endings. In finding your person and just knowing that this is who you want to be with until your old and gray and senile. This is the person who’ll eat the lettuce off your plate because you hate them, who’ll listen to your rant for hours about a snide coworker (even if you know he’s only listening to about 40%), the person who’ll start a family with you, the person you’ll share a bed with and your heart with.

How do you move on from losing the possibility of that?

I don’t understand.

And I hope I never do.

Life Sucks and Then You Die

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Truer words were never spoken. Today I deactivated my facebook account, because frankly that thing was just wasting my time. I’ve been feeling sluggish, lazy, and just upset at the world. I want school to end, but I don’t think things are going to get better. I have a theory on what it is that makes people hate themselves: Things they know are wrong, but they can’t seem to stop doing it. Self-degradation. The one person that we should always aspire to be happy for is ourselves. So, for example, if a person who is in Weight Watchers is home alone, and they think, “Eating that piece of cheesecake really won’t do anything, I’m already losing lots of weight. This won’t really matter.” So they just go ahead and eat that acursed divine piece of cheesecake. Immediately after that last bite is swallowed, the guilt starts to attack. Why did I do this? I was making so much progress! If a stupid slice of cake can make me break my vow, how will I ever lose weight? You keep doing it, and you descend into self-hatred, the most serious of all mental diseases in my opinion. I wish I could give advice on how to stop it. Not only for food, but for anyone who has ever had a temptation or addiction they struggle against. Theoretically, I know the steps that should be taken. I think everyone does. But it’s putting it in action that’s the bitch, and until I have some success on my part, I can’t be a hypocrite and tell you what to do. But just because I’m putting an X for today’s success, doesn’t mean I’m giving up.

That would truly be the biggest failure of all.