Late Night Coffee Musings #3

I’m leaving for college in the fall.

God, it doesn’t even sound real. I’m leaving for college. I am departing for ‘life after high school’. The bird is leaving the nest. How am I supposed to leave? I can’t even do my own fucking laundry, let alone take care of myself when I’m sick or lonely.

I wanna take the world by storm. I wanna find what I’m good at and be excellent. I have ambition.It’s not pointed in any specific direction at the moment, but it’s there, and it’s powerful. But is it worth missing my brother’s first year of high school? Of making sure my little sister still laughs at all our jokes and doesn’t say the word ‘totes’? Or my best friend, my sister who’s going to be filling her college applications and going through the rollercoaster I went through.

(As I’m writing this, my youngest sister is trying to replicate Joey from Friend’s “How YOU doing,” and failing spectacularly.)

Everyone asks themselves what the point is of waking up every morning. Why should we get up, why should we try? I love my parents, but I want to help answer those questions for my siblings when they come up. I want my Mom to tell me good morning cheerfully, even when I look like an angry raccoon with bedhead.

It’s not like I’m vanishing for the next 4 years. I’m going to come home as often as I can. But I’m also not stupid, and I know that once I move out, things are never gonna be quite the same. And I need to learn how to let go so I can build something new, something potentially better.

I’m so excited for college, but I’m so terrified of letting go.

And God, I’m so scared I’m going to mess up. I’ve never really felt true fear in my life. I’ve been scared, sure, when we couldn’t locate my brother or my little sister fell asleep under the bed for hours and we couldn’t find her. But I’ve never been bone-chillingly terrified. Terrified that I will go against everything I believe in, against everything I was raised to protect myself against. Terrified that I’ll be so swept up in the moment, I’ll forget that that ‘s all it is. A moment. Just a blink in time that could cast a shadow on the rest of my life. I’m young and impulsive and about to go to move out for college at a good school that’s also a party school. If I start down the wrong path, I don’t know if I’ll be strong enough to pull myself off it. And if by some miracle I am, I don’t even know who I’ll be.

But that’s why we get up in the morning, I guess. To fight through another day, through another make more moments and more memories. To fight, so that one day you wake up, look in the mirror, and know you’re strong enough. You can win the fight with yourself, the urge to let what you want be what you can’t live without, to lose sight of what’s important.

It’s so, so easy to make the wrong choice. And that’s what I’m afraid of.

That my wrong choice has already begun.

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Late Night Coffee Thoughts

“I am so tired.”

It’s funny how ‘I’m tired’ is the slightly more honest version of ‘I’m fine.’

You can be tired from a long shift at work, or an argument with your best friend.

Or you can be tired from spending the night crying. You can be tired from pasting a smile on your face when all you can hear is the screaming in your head.

You can literally not move for hours and feel more tired than when you woke up.

I think it’s just our mind, fighting back the tidal waves of insecurity, of doubt, of regret. Pretty tough job, I must say. And it must really suck, going to sleep with the knowledge that when you wake up, you’ll be even more tired than when you closed your eyes.

Recently, my right eye was infected from my contact, and now my eyesight there (while it’s medicated) is blurry and weird.

IT’S LIKE A HORROR MOVIE.

I’m an avid fan of the Vampire Diaries SHOW. I didn’t like the books, but the show is epic.

Now I’m seeing vampires, black shadows, writhing spirits everywhere FROM MY RIGHT EYE.

I think I’m going to lay off the Science Fiction for a while, guys.

Life Sucks and Then You Die

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Truer words were never spoken. Today I deactivated my facebook account, because frankly that thing was just wasting my time. I’ve been feeling sluggish, lazy, and just upset at the world. I want school to end, but I don’t think things are going to get better. I have a theory on what it is that makes people hate themselves: Things they know are wrong, but they can’t seem to stop doing it. Self-degradation. The one person that we should always aspire to be happy for is ourselves. So, for example, if a person who is in Weight Watchers is home alone, and they think, “Eating that piece of cheesecake really won’t do anything, I’m already losing lots of weight. This won’t really matter.” So they just go ahead and eat that acursed divine piece of cheesecake. Immediately after that last bite is swallowed, the guilt starts to attack. Why did I do this? I was making so much progress! If a stupid slice of cake can make me break my vow, how will I ever lose weight? You keep doing it, and you descend into self-hatred, the most serious of all mental diseases in my opinion. I wish I could give advice on how to stop it. Not only for food, but for anyone who has ever had a temptation or addiction they struggle against. Theoretically, I know the steps that should be taken. I think everyone does. But it’s putting it in action that’s the bitch, and until I have some success on my part, I can’t be a hypocrite and tell you what to do. But just because I’m putting an X for today’s success, doesn’t mean I’m giving up.

That would truly be the biggest failure of all.