Late Night Coffee Musings #2

I’ve always thought it was weird that people could just fall out of love. That they could share their heart and soul with someone, connect with them, and let them go. Doesn’t it hurt? Doesn’t it feel like a small piece of you leaves with them? I mean, I get it. He’s not the One. He’s not right.

But how do they do it?

Maybe it’s because I’ve never been in love. To be quite honest, I’m terrified of ever falling in love. At least, not any time soon. I’ve barely got a grasp on my sanity-adding the highs and lows of falling for someone would fuck me up in a major way.

I’ve had plenty of crushes though. When I scroll through my phone and see their name, it’s like a movie-reel plays behind my eyes. I’m blushing and giggling (later I want to slap myself), pillow talk at sleepovers with my best friends, the excitement and anticipation, standing in front of my closet and thinking, “I wonder what’ll happen today.” It’s a rush, a rollercoaster that never goes down.

But those are crushes.

I write books, and I’ve been told I simulate love almost flawlessly. The nerves, the anticipation, the butterflies-turned-elephants in the tummy. But my fatal flaw- I can’t quite capture heartbreak. I’ve never felt it. My heart’s bruised, but not from love. So how do I write about something I can hardly imagine?

This leads me to the whole point of this ramble. The intimacy, the romance, the connection-that I can understand. What I can’t is how you move on after you lose it. How you pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and think, “Just another day’s work. There are plenty of fish in the sea.” 

Maybe it’s because I’m still a silly, romantic teenager. Despite the sad reality of life that’s revealed to every day I get older, I still wholeheartedly believe in happy endings. In finding your person and just knowing that this is who you want to be with until your old and gray and senile. This is the person who’ll eat the lettuce off your plate because you hate them, who’ll listen to your rant for hours about a snide coworker (even if you know he’s only listening to about 40%), the person who’ll start a family with you, the person you’ll share a bed with and your heart with.

How do you move on from losing the possibility of that?

I don’t understand.

And I hope I never do.

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Late Night Coffee Thoughts

“I am so tired.”

It’s funny how ‘I’m tired’ is the slightly more honest version of ‘I’m fine.’

You can be tired from a long shift at work, or an argument with your best friend.

Or you can be tired from spending the night crying. You can be tired from pasting a smile on your face when all you can hear is the screaming in your head.

You can literally not move for hours and feel more tired than when you woke up.

I think it’s just our mind, fighting back the tidal waves of insecurity, of doubt, of regret. Pretty tough job, I must say. And it must really suck, going to sleep with the knowledge that when you wake up, you’ll be even more tired than when you closed your eyes.

How to Overcome Shyness and STILL Be an Introvert

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So I’ll start by telling a little about my personal experience in this field to validate any advice I give. 

I’m a bookworm. Pure and simple. I’ve loved reading since I was a itty bitty kindergartner (to the extent that I was once banned from going to the library in fifth grade). My classmates in elementary school depended on me to get them the highest class reading average so that we could get an ice-cream party. The librarian loved me. I wore a blue jacket everyday, my hair was in a perpetual ponytail, and I had one close friend and a few pals. I preferred imaginary worlds to the real one, and my vocabulary advanced significantly. I had a sarcastic edge, and I wasn’t particularly infatuated with the latest trend, such as holey jeans. 

Naturally, this did not make me well liked. So it depends on what type of problem you suffer from. You can be a loner by design, you may think that you have a wonderful personality that will wow the world if only you had the pluck to show it. I had a somewhat unusual category. When I started high school, I did it for ‘political’ reasons. I vowed that I’d have many, many allies and not develop strong bonds with any particular people. 

Talk about crash and burn. I mean, sure I have many allies, acquaintances, people I wave at or compliment, but I also have a group of friends that keeps me grounded and sane. My teacher’s either love me or hate me, depending on their standing on student’s who back talk and argue. 

So, here is my advice:

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Category #1 of Shyness: The One Who can’t Speak in Front of People:

  1.  First off, know that you’re not alone. It may come as a surprise to you, but a lot of ‘popular’  or outspoken people are generally terrified of saying something wrong, a verbal misstep. You’re not in the minority.
  2. Make eye contact. It makes you seem confident and sure. Most people cannot maintain eye contact for very long, so just patiently watch (don’t stare at them though; that’s creepy)
  3. Pretend you are in a movie or a book. Most people have a character or a person that they admire. Imagine that you have their charisma and strength of mind. This will allow you to stop feeling self- conscious.
  4. Speak loudly and clearly. The idea isn’t in how much you say, but how you say it. Stay calm and tranquil, and really listen to them. Most people obsess while someone is talking to them, worried that there is a booger coming out to say hello, or if the jeans you are wearing are completely out of date, and worried that they will notice that gross stain on your shirt. DO NOT OBSESS.  They’re probably as self-conscious as you are. 
  5. Focus on one person. If you’re talking in front of a group and the many faces nauseates you, focus on one person you are comfortable with and pretend she is the only one listening. 
  6. Try to make the other person talk more. Ask them insightful questions and ask about their lives. By the end of the conversation, they will leave feeling that you are a great listener, and wonder more about the you, the mysterious and aloof guy/girl.
  7. Be yourself! Don’t be fake and something you’re not. You won’t pull it off and will leave you disappointed. 

Category #2 of Shyness: The One Who Turns Into Raj When Confronted

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  1.  Calm yourself! Wonder: Hmm, why should I be nervous around ____? Why shouldn’t they be nervous around me? 
  2. Smile. It’s a great starter to anything, and will make the person feel more at ease. 
  3. Make small talk. Ask their opinions about controversial topics and laugh frequently. 
  4. Think twice before you talk. Being a babbler myself, I know that nerves can step that motor mouth a’ runnin’. If you let yourself just ramble, you will be monopolizing the conversation, and possibly confusing and boring them.
  5. Sometimes it helps if you have a little meditation thingermabob. You can tap you finger against the table (use the flesh so you don’t make noise and annoy anyone), fiddle with a pencil, twist a lock of hair, etc. This helps focus you a little and keep you from succumbing to “Oh-shit-oh-shit-oh-shit’ mentality of nerves. 
  6. Remember that you want to leave them with a certain impression of you. So be inquisitive and thoughtful 

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Category #3 of Shyness: The One Who Usually Comes Off as Offensive

  1. Don’t be a smart-ass. Quell any desire to make a sarcastic remark because while it may seem funny to you, it can be considered downright jerkish and hurt someone’s feelings.
  2. If you want to say something that can be considered offensive,say it about yourself. Example: “The winter makes people really bitchy.  I’ve gotten grounded for screaming at my mother more times than I can count!” This is a subtle way of drawing the person’s attention to their ‘winter bitchiness’ or other questionable attribute. This will make them check themselves without you having to tell them to their face.
  3. Even if you find yourself wondering how someone could possibly be that (dumb, mean, insert adjective), keep in mind that it’s highly likely that you are that way to someone else. So even if you cen’t stand someone, be cordial and polite, and that’ll certainly give you bonus points. 
  4. To my fellow teens, or parents of them, TALK IN CLASS. Not like turning in your seat to chat while the teacher is lecturing (which I have been in trouble several times for), but making conversation before the bell rings, raising your hand to answer a question, ask for clarification, or just to relate an experience of yours that is similar to the content you’re studying. You’ll build street-cred for having the guts to talk in front of a classroom, and it’s less likely you’ll tick off a teacher. 
  5. Channel Betty White. She’s a seemingly sweet old lady who is majorly kick ass. You can do the exact same. Be friendly, care about people’s lives, and anchor yourself, but make sure them claws come out when their needed. 

I hope I helped! I’m sure I’m missing a few categories, so just comment any you can think of. It’s time you stop worrying about intimidating people with your awesomeness. Go get ’em!!

We Are ALL Treasures. Leave Your Footprint on the World

I don’t think it’s possible to convey in words how sick and tired I am in the what i see everyday. I see it in myself, in others, and what’s sad is that some of us know it and don’t care. We’re slipping. Every one of us was a given a gift, an ability to shape the world with our own two hands. It doesn’t mean aspiring to be the president. It means taking what you have and excelling in it. It means using your ability to make a difference. I’ve succumbed to laziness, and a thoughtless, inane attitude. I don’t want instant gratification. I’ve felt how it was to be giving something everything you’ve got and seeing the results before your eyes. It’s the most powerful, moving experience you will EVER feel. Nothing compares. So knowing that when i sit to watch TV, or bury myself into a book for hours on end, that I’ve become a shell for other people to bask in their glory. We all have so much raw potential in us. History can attest to this. We’ve moved nations, changed lives, built countries with our hands. So many countries are built on the bones, blood, and sweat of the people who died to give us this opportunity. Time is our deadliest weapon. A student can top the records. A parent can nurture a child that can be their helping crutch when they get old. A worker can invent the newest innovation, or perfect an old one. A doctor could save millions of lives. There is so much knowledge, so many opportunities, and it is the worst crime of humanity that we are turning away from it. Our crime is bigger than any other generation’s. We have the ability to get anything at our disposal and ignore it while other’s never had it in the fist place. I don’t want to be a sheep. I don’t want to die leaving nothing behind. Having been nothing more than a passing face, checking in and out. I want to make an impact. I can affect someone profoundly in just a minute. I want to be the type of person that I’ve always dreamed of being. How many of us talk just to fill a silence? Don’t you want to mean what you say? How many of us diet for other’s? When you look in a mirror, what do you want to see looking back at you? How often do you cave to something you know is wrong, something you know you can stop if you want, but just choose not? We can become so much more than that. Our time can be used in a way that’ll be remembered, that’ll put a smile on other’ faces, and most importantly, on your’s. When I introduce myself to someone, I want it to say my name like I mean it. When I take a break to have fun with friends or family, I want to know that I’ve earned it. Image Imagine what we could do if we dedicated our time to helping others, or pouring our soul into something. We would be unstoppable. My dad always had a saying:

One pencil is easy to snap, but a pack can never be broken. 

 

What Do We See When We Look In a Mirror? Is Ourselves, What we are Afraid to be, or What We Are?

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For teenagers especially, coming into our bodies is one of the most challenging aspects of our lives. How many times have you stared at another person and compared yourself to them academically, aesthetically, etc? For most, tons of times. You can be in a conversation with a friend and you’re gaze strays to a girls body and you sigh and chastise yourself for eating so much. You see a someone get a better score than you and you wonder why they did so much better than you when they studied as much. This mindset leads people to self- degradation and loss of pride. They start acting out in ways that they normally wouldn’t, trying to prove themselves through a vice that’s only harmful to them. Some spiral into an all-consuming depression where they can’t see a way out. Days become long and dreary, it loses it’s color and flavor. You wait until the time that some miraculous change happens and you become the person you dream about in your head. That confident person who has the willpower to reach for their dreams, the one who can easily stride up to a person they’re attracted to and talk without feeling self-conscious, or like they’re bothering them. Well, I’ve discovered something. I may be young, I may be wrong, and I may offend someone, but hey, this is a diverse world. If we didn’t have differing opinions, there’d be nothing to say. These are the steps I’ve decided to take to overcome my two bad habits to become the person I dream of being, bodily, intellectually, and spiritually. 

  1. Find a mantra (mine is Beautiful, Successful, Faithful )
  2. Join an organization, club, volunteer program to expose you to new things and adventures that can mold your mind and confidence. (I’m doing kickboxing and volunteering at a children’s educational facility)
  3. Tell someone. Believe it or not, this is a great move because that person will almost certainly share one of their fears, and you two can keep each other motivated, strong, and (this is usually the case with me) now that you’ve told them you won’t want to go back on your word to save face. 
  4. Write down a list of the cons of your habit and keep it on hand to look at daily. For example, if it’s crippling shyness, you can write about the opportunities you can lose, the fantastic people you might never get to know, etc. 
  5. Get up, look in the mirror, and chant your mantra. If your a girl, let me tell you this: you are beautiful. You are an amazing person who was put on this earth to fulfill a purpose, and honey, following other people’s designer footsteps is not it. Guys, you have the ability to make or break a girls heart, brighten someone’s day, or just prove that amazing people do indeed exist in this world. Don’t waste it. We are all making our own destiny, and we try to make ourselves more capable of meeting it. 
  6. Purge yourself of your addiction, vice, habit. Take it and throw it away, or just shut it down. If that person from #3 is a family member, tell them to shut it down for you in case you don’t think you can do it. 
  7. You must have the desire to do this. You can want to achieve your goal in theory, but in practice you turn as unresponsive as Raj (from the Big Bang Theory) does around women. YOU’VE GOTTA WANT THIS! You must be able to get up, shake off the little devil in your whispering sweet nothings in your ear, that if listened to will only make you feel worthless and horrible. It’s not unusual to cheat a few times, but you can never justify it, but merely try to correct it. 

This time and day, it’s becoming a regularity that teens be portrayed as drunkards with no future, no purpose, and no ambition. People ogle the foreigners who enter the school system to excel. Adults are depicted as tired old hags just waiting for retirement or death. And do not even get me started on the technological, perverse upbringing children are having nowadays. Frankly speaking, our will to fight and try is dwindling faster than a free candy basket at See’s. So don’t be ashamed of who you are, how you look, what you perceive as a fault within yourself. Because thousands of people know how much they need to change, and they simply do not care. That in itself is the fault. As for my fellow teens, lemme tell you something. Don’t let music, TV, popular sentiments, and the casual way our classmates can accept something we know is a major offense sway you from your sense of right or wrong. There’s a spectrum with lot’s of grey area, sure, but inherently we all have a beeper that warns us when we’re doing or seeing something wrong. Listen to it. This is going to sound very corny and sappy, but be in tune with your body and mind. Don’t binge on food, you feel like shit afterwards. Don’t watch naughty footage, the guilt will warp and twist your life. Don’t be shy and keep yourself in a shell, you feel sad and lonely later. There’s a lot more I could use, but I think the message is across. Everyone has a journey to complete, and everyone has their own struggles to deal with. Hope, willpower, mindset, and the power of our hearts and minds will be our hero in tights in the end.