Late Night Coffee Musings #3

I’m leaving for college in the fall.

God, it doesn’t even sound real. I’m leaving for college. I am departing for ‘life after high school’. The bird is leaving the nest. How am I supposed to leave? I can’t even do my own fucking laundry, let alone take care of myself when I’m sick or lonely.

I wanna take the world by storm. I wanna find what I’m good at and be excellent. I have ambition.It’s not pointed in any specific direction at the moment, but it’s there, and it’s powerful. But is it worth missing my brother’s first year of high school? Of making sure my little sister still laughs at all our jokes and doesn’t say the word ‘totes’? Or my best friend, my sister who’s going to be filling her college applications and going through the rollercoaster I went through.

(As I’m writing this, my youngest sister is trying to replicate Joey from Friend’s “How YOU doing,” and failing spectacularly.)

Everyone asks themselves what the point is of waking up every morning. Why should we get up, why should we try? I love my parents, but I want to help answer those questions for my siblings when they come up. I want my Mom to tell me good morning cheerfully, even when I look like an angry raccoon with bedhead.

It’s not like I’m vanishing for the next 4 years. I’m going to come home as often as I can. But I’m also not stupid, and I know that once I move out, things are never gonna be quite the same. And I need to learn how to let go so I can build something new, something potentially better.

I’m so excited for college, but I’m so terrified of letting go.

And God, I’m so scared I’m going to mess up. I’ve never really felt true fear in my life. I’ve been scared, sure, when we couldn’t locate my brother or my little sister fell asleep under the bed for hours and we couldn’t find her. But I’ve never been bone-chillingly terrified. Terrified that I will go against everything I believe in, against everything I was raised to protect myself against. Terrified that I’ll be so swept up in the moment, I’ll forget that that ‘s all it is. A moment. Just a blink in time that could cast a shadow on the rest of my life. I’m young and impulsive and about to go to move out for college at a good school that’s also a party school. If I start down the wrong path, I don’t know if I’ll be strong enough to pull myself off it. And if by some miracle I am, I don’t even know who I’ll be.

But that’s why we get up in the morning, I guess. To fight through another day, through another make more moments and more memories. To fight, so that one day you wake up, look in the mirror, and know you’re strong enough. You can win the fight with yourself, the urge to let what you want be what you can’t live without, to lose sight of what’s important.

It’s so, so easy to make the wrong choice. And that’s what I’m afraid of.

That my wrong choice has already begun.

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Here Lies Dedication-Do Not Rest In Peace

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I usually try to abstain from posting too many personal things about myself, not because I’m worried there are any Jeffrey Dahmer’s or Ted Bundy’s lurking on WordPress, but because I’m worried that any advice or input from others could influence me enough to make a radical decision, one that isn’t right. But I’m being paraniod, per usual. 

To cut to the point, to the heart of the matter-my dedication has died an untimely death. Let me illustrate how dedication in every aspect of my life has basically vanished, leaving me feeling adrift and meaningless. 

  1. ACADEMICS 

I’m an AP/ Honors student, so yes, I’ve got a slightly above average intelligence. Whoop-dee-doo. I used to love the act of learning, and the straight A’s were an added benefit. I used to read anatomy books for fun. I still hated math, but come on. That subject is Satan. I still got an A in it though, ironically. I guess i got so used to everything coming easily to me that when the time came to step it up-and by a lot, I was ill-prepared. Sure, I’m still thrilled when I do well on a test or get the grade I want in a class, but it’s overshadowed by the fear that I won’t be able to keep it, or worse, I won’t even try. Any and all motivation to excel academically is pretty much again. I know part of it comes from the fact that a lot of my friends are good students, but average. One is busy with sports, one’s busy with art and religion, one’s busy with singing…the point is they have other passions and things to pursue. I have my writing, my stories, but even though’s I’ve lost passion for. Now they just live in my head, only occasionally do the words appear. I know the things I want, a great university, I career that I love that’ll leave me financially prosperous, to travel the world. Each of them wants something different. And lately, I’ve been letting their dreams disrupt the pursuit of my own. 

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Pretty sure ‘acception’ isn’t a word, but whatever

 

       2. RELIGION

Ever since the time my dedication decided to begin a slow and steady decline, my faith has been impacted. The solace I used to take, my strong belief that through the darkness there will always be light I could turn to…it’s been dimmed. My connection with God has been severed by my own hand. It’s foremost on my list of things to fix. Unfortunately, there’s a huge obstacle that I can’t seem to overcome:me and my stupid decisions. 

       3. PERSONAL LIFESTYLE

AKA my weight. For my birthday, I was given a 2 year membership to 24 Hour Fitness- no, it’s not offensive, it’s something I wanted. But I can’t seem to utilize it. And of course, lack of dedication is a problem. My weight nags at me every single day, especially because I’m going on a trip where people haven’t seen me in years. I don’t want to see the surprise on their faces from how much my body has changed. BUT…it’s not only a lack of dedication that’s hindering me here. The gym terrifies me. There are creepy old guys that outright stare at you, even though I’m usually wearing sweats and a shirt, people with the perfect bodies, and trainers hovering over your shoulder every ten seconds. There’s so much judging at the gym, it’s almost like a high school locker room. I want to go, but the anxiety is definitely fueling the little devil on my shoulder.

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      4. Me

Originality. That’s what distinguished gold from silver, a ram from sheep. Everything that makes me me is seeping from between my fingers. My head is filled with music, slang, hashtags, shows…meaningless things. I don’t spend time with my family, or bother cleaning, or trying to learn something new. My passion has been replaced by an all-around numbness. I don’t read any interesting or out there books any more. My determination, my will, was my core. It was the spine that kept me standing. And now without it? I’m all over the place, and I don’t know how I’m going to get myself together. And the amount of shows that I watch! It’s ridiculous! I’ll spend hours watching episode after episode until my head is numb and my eyes sting

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Conclusions:

I’m an all or nothing kind of girl. If I have dedication for even one of the things I listed, I’d have it for all of them. And I know lots of people just say that we should try harder. That’s good and everything, but why would try when you can’t remember what you’re fighting for? Or why? It’s like a hazy memory, and you can’t imagine giving up the ignorance you live in now. 

But I’m going to try, I really am. I’m master of my own future. I’m going to get myself back. It might take a while, and it will be hard. But, in the spirit of Jordan Sparks….

Take it one step at a time. 

Mean Girls-Inspiring Song

I ran across this song by accident, and I think it’s amazing. This happens to so many girls, and people make fun of them if they’re cutters, suicidal, ‘goth’, downers. Nobody ever really questions why, or wonders if they might have a part in it. Please listen and spread this song, it’s very touching and might help someone.

Beware your tho…

Beware your thoughts; they become your words.
“Beware your words; they become your actions.
Beware your actions; they become your habits.
Beware your habits; they become your nature.
Beware your nature; it becomes your destiny.”

I still love this quote no matter how much I read it. It’s tacked up on my bedroom wall to remind me that I do something I know is wrong and I don’t feel bad about it, something needs to be done.