Late Night Coffee Musings #3

I’m leaving for college in the fall.

God, it doesn’t even sound real. I’m leaving for college. I am departing for ‘life after high school’. The bird is leaving the nest. How am I supposed to leave? I can’t even do my own fucking laundry, let alone take care of myself when I’m sick or lonely.

I wanna take the world by storm. I wanna find what I’m good at and be excellent. I have ambition.It’s not pointed in any specific direction at the moment, but it’s there, and it’s powerful. But is it worth missing my brother’s first year of high school? Of making sure my little sister still laughs at all our jokes and doesn’t say the word ‘totes’? Or my best friend, my sister who’s going to be filling her college applications and going through the rollercoaster I went through.

(As I’m writing this, my youngest sister is trying to replicate Joey from Friend’s “How YOU doing,” and failing spectacularly.)

Everyone asks themselves what the point is of waking up every morning. Why should we get up, why should we try? I love my parents, but I want to help answer those questions for my siblings when they come up. I want my Mom to tell me good morning cheerfully, even when I look like an angry raccoon with bedhead.

It’s not like I’m vanishing for the next 4 years. I’m going to come home as often as I can. But I’m also not stupid, and I know that once I move out, things are never gonna be quite the same. And I need to learn how to let go so I can build something new, something potentially better.

I’m so excited for college, but I’m so terrified of letting go.

And God, I’m so scared I’m going to mess up. I’ve never really felt true fear in my life. I’ve been scared, sure, when we couldn’t locate my brother or my little sister fell asleep under the bed for hours and we couldn’t find her. But I’ve never been bone-chillingly terrified. Terrified that I will go against everything I believe in, against everything I was raised to protect myself against. Terrified that I’ll be so swept up in the moment, I’ll forget that that ‘s all it is. A moment. Just a blink in time that could cast a shadow on the rest of my life. I’m young and impulsive and about to go to move out for college at a good school that’s also a party school. If I start down the wrong path, I don’t know if I’ll be strong enough to pull myself off it. And if by some miracle I am, I don’t even know who I’ll be.

But that’s why we get up in the morning, I guess. To fight through another day, through another make more moments and more memories. To fight, so that one day you wake up, look in the mirror, and know you’re strong enough. You can win the fight with yourself, the urge to let what you want be what you can’t live without, to lose sight of what’s important.

It’s so, so easy to make the wrong choice. And that’s what I’m afraid of.

That my wrong choice has already begun.


Why Being a Teenager Sucks


Agh, so many reasons. This is coming from a sixteen year old girls perspective. Let’s see:

  1. Insecurity: We may seem like we’re filled with swagger and confident. I mean, just look at those guys. You gotta have pluck to be okay with wearing your pants around your ankles. But alas, most us are cripplingly insecure. We’re not comfortable in our skin, and one social faux pas can give us nightmares for weeks. We worry about people passing by our lunch table and seeing how many people sit with us, or saying something wrong, seeming transparent. 
  2. High School: Seriously, this should be banned as an institution. It’s like being in prison. And if you’re a goodie two shoes like me, you actually care. Whenever I think I’m in trouble, I get this burn in my chest that feels suspiciously like acid- reflux. That damn bell shepherding us like a bunch of sheep from class to class, the blank teachers, the monotony. Grades, friends, homework, asshole math teachers…it’s like a suffocating blanket we have to battle against for four years. 
  3. Hormones: I repeat, I’m a girl. And from the social media and several guy friends, their hormones make the chart on the ecological deterioration in South Africa seem pitiful. I’m a girl and when a guy catches my eye, i have no problem unabashedly staring at his back and then being red and flustered if he talks to me. I have fantasies of a whirlwind romance, secret smiles, and love at first sight. I mean, sometimes there’s the “Geez, I’d love to jump his bones” thought, but it’s mostly wishing you had your own Cinderella story. Guys, apparently (again, second hand info), have a more…ehm….one- track mind. 
  4. Emotions: It’s like going to Six Flags. You’re up, down, and sometimes you have no idea what the heck is going on. One minute I want to fly and sing, the other your scouring for any mofo who’s stupid enough to cross you path. 
  5. Desire to Do Nothing: self- explanatory. 
  6. The Parentals: Sometimes you’re parents know what’s happening with you so accurately you gasp, sometimes they’re so clueless it’s sad. 
  7. Depression: There, I said it. Someone had to. I’d bet my hands (and I really like my hands) that almost every teenager in the tri-state area has gone through a bout of depression. It’s a strong, willful teenager that manages to pull out of it. Everyone thinks of suicidal thoughts. Having the thoughts doesn’t make you weak. Au contraire, you’re strong. You didn’t act on it. 
  8. Adult Think You’re a Criminal
  9. You Want Summer to Come so Bad You can TASTE IT
  10. Identity: Somewhere along our sophomore year (at least for me), we generally realize we have no freaking clue who we are or who we want to be. You wanted to be a doctor, and then you take chemistry and think, “Hell nah.” You’re out of your little safety bubble, and now everything’s awash in confusion, regret and, “OH SH*T Man, that’s due today?” 

So yeah, basically, being a teenager isn’t the best years of your life. At least, I hope to God it’s not, or else I’m gonna need a lot of chocolate. 

It’s ice cream, but you get the picture. Aha, pun intended.

Am I the Only One Who Noticed This?

I’m in high school, and I’ve just started seeing something that’s always been there, but never been questioned. 

Sports are segregated. 

Not racially, mind you, but gender specific. You have a boys basketball, volleyball team, etc, and then a girl’s replica. At our school there isn’t even a girl’s wrestling or football team. What gives? 

Even if there is the possibility that not too many girls would try out for the wrestling and football, they should still be given the option. I’m in European History, but my scant knowledge of American constitutions would agree that this is not right. Why would you put a girl’s team and boy’s team? There is no answer to that that doesn’t sound sexist and demeaning. How many people, if given the option, would go to a women’s volleyball game over a men’s volleyball game?

Let me tell you, not very many. Even I, a female, would go to the boy’s instead. Why? There’s way, way more hype surrounding the men’s game over the women’s. It’s just more popular than the alternative. So I ask you: how should this be fixed?

Mixing men’s and women’s teams would be a problem for the following:

  • The guy’s wouldn’t play they’re hardest because they’d try not to ‘hurt’ the girl’s
  • Flirtation and hormones would ran faster than a quarterback.
  • The whole physical element such as body slams and whatnot could prove relatively awkward for both sides. 

Sure those are potential issues, but if the team practiced and drilled, it wouldn’t be too long before those things weren’t even noticeable anymore. 

Here are the benefits of joined teams:

  • Powerful players from each team could work to win.
  • A wider spectrum of skill
  • Seriously, no decent guy is going to tackle or try an offensive move on a girl. This would give them a better advantage, and either cripple the other team, or cause a weird state of limbo.

Let me know what you think should happen!Image