Late Night Coffee Musings #3

I’m leaving for college in the fall.

God, it doesn’t even sound real. I’m leaving for college. I am departing for ‘life after high school’. The bird is leaving the nest. How am I supposed to leave? I can’t even do my own fucking laundry, let alone take care of myself when I’m sick or lonely.

I wanna take the world by storm. I wanna find what I’m good at and be excellent. I have ambition.It’s not pointed in any specific direction at the moment, but it’s there, and it’s powerful. But is it worth missing my brother’s first year of high school? Of making sure my little sister still laughs at all our jokes and doesn’t say the word ‘totes’? Or my best friend, my sister who’s going to be filling her college applications and going through the rollercoaster I went through.

(As I’m writing this, my youngest sister is trying to replicate Joey from Friend’s “How YOU doing,” and failing spectacularly.)

Everyone asks themselves what the point is of waking up every morning. Why should we get up, why should we try? I love my parents, but I want to help answer those questions for my siblings when they come up. I want my Mom to tell me good morning cheerfully, even when I look like an angry raccoon with bedhead.

It’s not like I’m vanishing for the next 4 years. I’m going to come home as often as I can. But I’m also not stupid, and I know that once I move out, things are never gonna be quite the same. And I need to learn how to let go so I can build something new, something potentially better.

I’m so excited for college, but I’m so terrified of letting go.

And God, I’m so scared I’m going to mess up. I’ve never really felt true fear in my life. I’ve been scared, sure, when we couldn’t locate my brother or my little sister fell asleep under the bed for hours and we couldn’t find her. But I’ve never been bone-chillingly terrified. Terrified that I will go against everything I believe in, against everything I was raised to protect myself against. Terrified that I’ll be so swept up in the moment, I’ll forget that that ‘s all it is. A moment. Just a blink in time that could cast a shadow on the rest of my life. I’m young and impulsive and about to go to move out for college at a good school that’s also a party school. If I start down the wrong path, I don’t know if I’ll be strong enough to pull myself off it. And if by some miracle I am, I don’t even know who I’ll be.

But that’s why we get up in the morning, I guess. To fight through another day, through another make more moments and more memories. To fight, so that one day you wake up, look in the mirror, and know you’re strong enough. You can win the fight with yourself, the urge to let what you want be what you can’t live without, to lose sight of what’s important.

It’s so, so easy to make the wrong choice. And that’s what I’m afraid of.

That my wrong choice has already begun.

Back From the Dead-Take Two!

I don't care if this has nothing to do with my post, this gif is amazing and will be appropriate for all occasions

(I don’t care if this gif has nothing to do with my post, it’s amazing and will be appropriate for all occasions).

I BLAME TECHNOLOGY!

My laptop was out of sorts the past few months, hence the lack of blogging. BUT I do have something super interesting cooked up (besides my new Wattpad story, that’s an update for another day).

A Teen Experiment. 

You guessed it. I conducted a survey with interesting results. The sample size is 15 people, so it’s not something to write home about, but I am very excited to share it. I’ll post it tonight (probably, I’m having a very large sleepover on Monday, so cleaning is what it’s about).

It’s good to be back!

Here Lies Dedication-Do Not Rest In Peace

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I usually try to abstain from posting too many personal things about myself, not because I’m worried there are any Jeffrey Dahmer’s or Ted Bundy’s lurking on WordPress, but because I’m worried that any advice or input from others could influence me enough to make a radical decision, one that isn’t right. But I’m being paraniod, per usual. 

To cut to the point, to the heart of the matter-my dedication has died an untimely death. Let me illustrate how dedication in every aspect of my life has basically vanished, leaving me feeling adrift and meaningless. 

  1. ACADEMICS 

I’m an AP/ Honors student, so yes, I’ve got a slightly above average intelligence. Whoop-dee-doo. I used to love the act of learning, and the straight A’s were an added benefit. I used to read anatomy books for fun. I still hated math, but come on. That subject is Satan. I still got an A in it though, ironically. I guess i got so used to everything coming easily to me that when the time came to step it up-and by a lot, I was ill-prepared. Sure, I’m still thrilled when I do well on a test or get the grade I want in a class, but it’s overshadowed by the fear that I won’t be able to keep it, or worse, I won’t even try. Any and all motivation to excel academically is pretty much again. I know part of it comes from the fact that a lot of my friends are good students, but average. One is busy with sports, one’s busy with art and religion, one’s busy with singing…the point is they have other passions and things to pursue. I have my writing, my stories, but even though’s I’ve lost passion for. Now they just live in my head, only occasionally do the words appear. I know the things I want, a great university, I career that I love that’ll leave me financially prosperous, to travel the world. Each of them wants something different. And lately, I’ve been letting their dreams disrupt the pursuit of my own. 

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Pretty sure ‘acception’ isn’t a word, but whatever

 

       2. RELIGION

Ever since the time my dedication decided to begin a slow and steady decline, my faith has been impacted. The solace I used to take, my strong belief that through the darkness there will always be light I could turn to…it’s been dimmed. My connection with God has been severed by my own hand. It’s foremost on my list of things to fix. Unfortunately, there’s a huge obstacle that I can’t seem to overcome:me and my stupid decisions. 

       3. PERSONAL LIFESTYLE

AKA my weight. For my birthday, I was given a 2 year membership to 24 Hour Fitness- no, it’s not offensive, it’s something I wanted. But I can’t seem to utilize it. And of course, lack of dedication is a problem. My weight nags at me every single day, especially because I’m going on a trip where people haven’t seen me in years. I don’t want to see the surprise on their faces from how much my body has changed. BUT…it’s not only a lack of dedication that’s hindering me here. The gym terrifies me. There are creepy old guys that outright stare at you, even though I’m usually wearing sweats and a shirt, people with the perfect bodies, and trainers hovering over your shoulder every ten seconds. There’s so much judging at the gym, it’s almost like a high school locker room. I want to go, but the anxiety is definitely fueling the little devil on my shoulder.

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      4. Me

Originality. That’s what distinguished gold from silver, a ram from sheep. Everything that makes me me is seeping from between my fingers. My head is filled with music, slang, hashtags, shows…meaningless things. I don’t spend time with my family, or bother cleaning, or trying to learn something new. My passion has been replaced by an all-around numbness. I don’t read any interesting or out there books any more. My determination, my will, was my core. It was the spine that kept me standing. And now without it? I’m all over the place, and I don’t know how I’m going to get myself together. And the amount of shows that I watch! It’s ridiculous! I’ll spend hours watching episode after episode until my head is numb and my eyes sting

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Conclusions:

I’m an all or nothing kind of girl. If I have dedication for even one of the things I listed, I’d have it for all of them. And I know lots of people just say that we should try harder. That’s good and everything, but why would try when you can’t remember what you’re fighting for? Or why? It’s like a hazy memory, and you can’t imagine giving up the ignorance you live in now. 

But I’m going to try, I really am. I’m master of my own future. I’m going to get myself back. It might take a while, and it will be hard. But, in the spirit of Jordan Sparks….

Take it one step at a time. 

High School Smackdown: The Nerd vs. The Stoner

THE STONERS:

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THE PARTY-HARDY

 

 

 

 

 THE NERDS:

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Two vastly different subspecies in every high school. I wouldn’t say my school has ‘cliques’ per se…more like loosely organized groups. I want to address the nerds and the stoners today (although knowing me, I might go off on a tangent). This is not a stereotype. I’m perfectly aware not all nerds or all stoners fall in these categories. 

The Nerds:

We are the ones who second guess all our decisions, try to hold ourselves to ideological principles, romanticize relationships. and believe the world is sunny and rosy. Life for us is relatively difficult, since grades are our Mekkah and AP testings Dante’s Inferno. We obey our parents, and we have good, clean fun. 

At least, on the outside. 

It would astonish most of the world to discover that the biggest assholes are usually nerds, and the biggest vluts (virgin sluts) are usually studious girls. The guys are intellectual snobs, and the girls are practically vampires: Disney princesses during the day, and restless succubi at night. 

We try to fit our lives around studying, and what most people don’t realize is that because we’re so constrained, breaking us loose is like releasing the Kraken. We live on control, keeping every little thing under our hands. 

Whatever you do, don’t screw with a nerd when it comes to their grades. Blood will be shed. Copiously. 

 

 

The Stoner: 

This interesting species is fascinating to observe. They’re carefree, passionate, and the true embodiment of a teenager. I don’t necessarily mean ‘Stoner’ as in those that take drugs, although a lot of this sect do. This is just anyone who’s slotted as an ‘underachiever’ and is more adept and partying than multiplying. For instance, this guy I know Berto, is suave and always the one leading the charge to break rules. Leaves campus to drive with a friend (both of which aren’t allowed) to go get donuts. Doesn’t do his homework, undoubtedly has dabbled in drugs, and doesn’t seem to have a shy bone in his body. I admire all of these qualities, because personally, I’m shy, introverted, awkward, and prone to blushing when speaking to attractive males. What would it be like, to fear nothing? To live life to it’s fullest? To look back and have regrets and accomplishments besides whether or not I failed a quiz? 

On one hand, the Stoners don’t have a plan, and they commit themselves to a limited future with their laziness. On the other hand, most of them learn to rely on themselves in life. Us nerds are comfortable, usually middle class, and the most we do without parental guidance are our volunteering activities. Another guy I know, Kale, is planning on attending trade school, has a girlfriend (ADORABLE couple, so hippie-like), doesn’t do jack at school, and is outspoken and admired. 

You tell me, who does it seem will succeed in the real world? Nerds may clutch their stellar academic reputation like a life jacket to keep from drowning, but stoners are practically doing the butterfly and backstroke. 

 

For their future career, I think the prize goes to:

And the winners at living life:

Who do you think is the real winner?

 

Are You Freaking Kidding Me?

*giggles hysterically*

Phew. Okay. So I feel really bad that I’ve been absent for WordPress for so long. I love blogging, it’s relaxing, and it never fails to amaze me that there are people out there-not obligated by friendship or living with me- that actually want to hear my take on things. Thanks for that. 

So, recap: I have a best friend, and she’s adorable. She’s obsessed with One Direction, she’s hilarious, likes finding new ways to discreetly flip me off, and verbally kicks my ass if I procrastinate hw. I still procrastinate, but you know, it would take a much higher power to get me to do my math homework. 

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*shudders*

Anywho, Finals are like a week and a half away and I’m fricking terrified. Why am I blogging this at like 4:30 am? Shouldn’t I be asleep, like a good little nerd? Why, the answer is because I took a study break, got distracted, drank coffee, and now I am literally laughing at everything. WISH ME LUCK!

OKAY. I have some beef with New Adult romances (why am I reading New Adult blah blah blah I’m going to be 17 on February 12 and it says +17. Plus at least I’m reading stuff with sexual content than going out and actually doing it. A girl’s gotta have something). 

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Alright, so about these books…WHY THE HELL ARE THEY ALL THE SAME? It’s like they’re following a checklist to make their book fall into the neat tidy NA slot

  1. Characters can’t take a normal amount of time to feel attraction or love, no. It’s like the minute they see each other, it’s like, “You man. Fill me with child.                                                    Image
  2. THE SEX. Seriously? So many of the virgins (YEAH I’M TALKING TO YOU ANA STEELE) seem to ENJOY their first time. And from what I’ve heard, it SUCKS. How could bleeding from having your flesh torn through be ENJOYABLE? I’d be punching him in the face and telling him to get the hell off me. But apparently, first-time sex is like, “Ermagerd, how have I not been doing this since I was 12” . It’s either that, or they were quite slutty *ehm* sexually liberal. The normal girl is seldom found within the sexual fantasy of these books. 
  3. UNSTABLE MEN. Seriously, ladies, PLEASE do not tell me your chill with these men. Sure, it must romantic for a time having an overprotective, alpha-male and whatnot, but personally, I’d get sick of his shit real fast. Nobody, I repeat nobody, gets to freaking dictate what I do or do not wear, eat, go, etc. If I want to hang out with my friends, which MAY OR MAY NOT INCLUDE A GUY (but if you’ve been reading my posts I am a total freak around boys, so my guy friends are few)  your insecure ARSE -oh yeah went British- will not stop me. GET A THERAPIST. And that goes for the women who think that their men will grow out this phase. Take it from a set of fresh eyes-THEY WILL NOT. Men don’t change. It’s like their basic principle, and I even know that, and I turn tomato red when I talk to a hot guy.       Image
  4. THE SAME RECYCLED PLOTLINES. Honestly, if I see one more book about a normal, average girl that somehow gets the hottest guy in the freaking universe drooling over her Converse, I’m going to pull a Carrie (my first Stephen King book, chills people). Us Normal Nancys don’t need a gorgeous guy to be happy. At least for me. If he can make me laugh, buys me chocolate, and lets me rant bout The Vampire Diaries (so excited for the next episode but if the clips are true and Damon kills Matt, the producers will feel the wrath of a wronged teenage girl.) I will offer him my heart on a damn silver platter. Image
  5. GUY/GIRL ACTS LIKE A DOUCHE AND PUSHES THE OTHER AWAY- Seriously! Yeah you have issues and that sucks, but you have someone besides you who actually gives a shit, so pick up your freaking balls/ vagina and start using it! If the relationship, is one-sided, it’s not a relationship. It’s a Kardashians episode.Image

There’s much more I could say (as always), but it’s 5 now and I need to at least try to sleep so I don’t drool on my stinking math book tomorrow. And for any people who happen to be reading my Wattpad book, The Bad Boy’s Dance has over 22K reads! And some of my readers leave the most adorable comments. But that’s a tangent for another day. 

NEW ADULT BOOKS WITH UNSPECIFIED QUALITY-I’D SPECIFY BUT SERIOUSLY ITS 5 HOW THE HELL DID THAT HAPPEN

  • This Man series by Jodi Ellen Malpas
  • Fifty Shades of Grey
  • Bared To You
  • One Week Girlfriend
  • Tangled
  • Music of the Heart
  • Tangled
  • Exquisite
  • Leave Me Breathless
  • Knight and Play
  • The Mighty Storm
  • Love Left Behind
  • Wallbanger
  • The RedHead Revealed
  • In Flight
  • On Dublin Street

And that barely scratches the surface.

Still wondering why I never do math homework?

But I’m Awkward Than That Princess Who Made Out With a Frog

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Ah, another random, yet telling title.
Hello, folksies. It’s been a while.
So, for anyone who cares, this is a little blip on the life of Miss Vera, and I thought I’d share it, since talking to people I know has been less successful than trying to communicate to my dog that my shoes were not edible.
Yesterday, I was just sitting in history, reading a book that is irritating me to no end (but I have no time for another trip to the library) and waiting for the class clowns in my class to quiet down. My teacher places a little white slip on my desk, and my heart stutters.
I’ve been called to the counselor’s office.
The period passes by agonizingly slow, until my teacher gives me leave to head to the counselor’s office. It was a windy day, and I was mentally reviewing anything bad I could’ve done that might have warranted a call slip. Nothing came to mind. My idea of rebellion is staying up till the wee hours of the morning every night.
So I knocked on the door and smiled at my counselor (lovely woman, not one of the Grinch-esque old women with dried drool practically caked into their wrinkles).
“Hi!” I said nervously.
“Hey,” she smiled, and motioned for me to take a seat.
I sat, careful not to knock over one of her frames.
“Did I do something bad?” I blurted.
She looked up, startled. “No! Something good, in fact. Here, let me just get you a copy…”
She handed me a paper, and began explaining before I had a chance to read it. “You’ve been nominated to be interviewed for the American Auxiliary League, or Girl’s State. Do you know what that is?”
I shook my head no.
“It’s a program where you and many other girls campaign and ‘govern’ as if you were in your own state. You’d stay in a dorm for a week-if you’re selected- and it’s a great thing to put on a college app.”
Hopefully, the huge “HUH” in my mind wasn’t stamped on my face. “So it’s like we’re the government? And I’d be living there?”
“Yup.”
“Uum…why was I nominated? Like, from everyone else? Who nominated me?”
She looks surprised. “Well, I did. And…you’re in AP Us history.”
Bear in mind, there are three APUSH classes. And I have a B. Personally, I think it’s cause I’m one of her favorite students, but I’m not sure.
-End of Dialogue
I headed to math after that (ugh), excited, wanting to screech. What an opportunity! An actual dorm! Government!
When I told my parents, my Dad’s excitement hit the roof. He went on about how could see me as Senator, popularity advice,etc etc. My excitement had dimmed a bit, and after I researched the program, was bordering on nausea. Hundreds of girls went, the brightest of the bright, and we had to campaign for positions. The interview wouldn’t be one on one, you’d be with the other girls vying to be delegates.
Shoot.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not anti-social. But if you’ve been following my posts, you’re aware that I’m reserved with people I don’t know. Sure, I can be charismatic, charming, flattering….but only for a certain time. I have a social limit.
Then I’m more awkward than that princess who made out with a frog.
If by some miracle I manage to bag the interview and am chosen as delegate, I CANNOT GO ON STAGE AND ENCOURAGE HUNDREDS OF STRANGE GIRLS TO VOTE FOR ME.
I’d end of a) puking b) fainting c) laughing hysterically before bursting into tears and crying for my mommy or d) all of the above.
What should I do, folks? My parent’s (Dad) are super excited, and on some level, so am I. But can I do it? Yoda would probably give me some advice like, “Never know till try, you will.” So if anyone actually bothered to read through all this, any realistic advice for a freaking out teen?

Peace, Love, & Coffee~~